Nuisance Company
by A.D. Williams
Summary: What if Inuyasha found out he had way more family than he thought? Not to mention, one of the members is extremely hyperactive! Read and find out what happens!
1. Nuisance Company

Disclaimer: I own neither Inuyasha nor any of the other characters related to the show. Also, for the sake of the story, I've portrayed some of the characters out of character. Still, I hope you enjoy!

* * *

**Nuisance Company**

Inuyasha sat in a tree near the Bone Eater well, waiting for Kagome to return from her world. She had said that she was only going to be gone a couple of days. That was Monday. It was now Thursday and only because Kagome was so hard on his case the last time he went and fetched her did he not go down the well himself.

Suddenly, he saw a bright purple light emit from the well, a sign that someone had just came through it. Inuyasha hopped down from the tree, ready to chew Kagome out for being late when something stopped him. He was being watched. He couldn't see or even smell the person, but rather felt the eyes upon him. Kagome would have to wait.

Turning around to face the rest of the forest, he called out, "Who's there?" He received no answer but a rustle in the bushes as whatever it was drew near. Just then, Kagome's head poked over the top of the well. "Get down," Inuyasha whispered to her over his shoulder. She didn't argue with him, and had started to comply when a blur of white shot out of the woods toward him. Before she could ready an arrow and before he could pull out the Tetsaiga, it crashed directly into Inuyasha's stomach, winding him.

He and whatever it was rolled and tumbled for a few yards, then came to a stop, the white blur sitting on Inuyasha's chest. Inuyasha had had his eyes closed at the time of impact, but when he opened them, he received the shock of his life. What had so nicely decided to tackle him was a demon that looked very similar to a completely white husky. Inuyasha blinked a few times to make sure he wasn't dreaming; a bark from the dog confirmed he wasn't.

"Get off me, you stupid mutt," Inuyasha said to it and pushed it away. Kagome climbed over the well and cautiously advanced toward it. Hearing her, the dog turned and wagged its tail. Now that he was free of his burden, Inuyasha stood, folded his arms, and glared at the intruder. "Who are you?" he demanded.

Kagome stared at him. "He's a dog, he can't talk." She looked back down at the dog, but in its place was a boy clearly older than her but younger than Inuyasha. He and the boy even had many of the same features, the eyes, the color of their hair, and their ears. But like Inuyasha's older brother, the boy also possessed a facial marking consisting of a black star on his forehead. He smiled at Kagome, then turned to Inuyasha.

"Hi, I'm your cousin Kohanu!"

It took everything in Inuyasha to keep from bursting out laughing. He, with a cousin! Only family he had left was Sesshomaru, and he didn't exactly count. Kohanu pressed on. "I'm your father's brother's son. You see, my dad married a wolf demoness and had me so I get the benefits of both sides!"

What that last statement had to do with anything was beyond the hanyou. The boy talked as if he'd won the lottery, but since the lottery didn't exist in feudal Japan, the next best thing was having the full Shikon Jewel in your possession.

Inuyasha was still trying to get over the initial shock of this news, but could only manage, "My old man had a brother? How come I never knew?"

Kohanu put a finger to his mouth and looked up to the sky in thought, then said, "Probably because my father was kind of like cousin Sesshomaru in the fact that he hates all humans and the fact that your pops married one disgusted him so much that they never talked about each other. Of course, this is all hypothetical."

Inuyasha stared at him incredulously. "And when did you see _him_?"

Kohanu blinked once in confusion, then said, "Sesshomaru? Oh, just a moment ago. But when I pounced him, he all but killed me." He rolled his eyes. "He truly is an Ice Prince."

Kagome, who had been trying to digest this information too, suddenly spoke up. "You said your father married a wolf demon. Do you by any chance know Kouga, leader of the Eastern wolf tribe?"

Kohanu's eyes brightened and he smiled at her again. "It just so happens that we're brothers!"

Both Kagome and Inuyasha's jaws dropped.

"Cool, huh?" Kohanu chirped. "

_Cool?_" Inuyasha shot him a glare. "If...if you two are...are b-brothers, then th-that would make us..."

"Cousins!" Kohanu finished for him.

Inuyasha's face immediately turned to one of petrified horror. "Noooooo!" he shrieked. "There's no way I'm related to that...that..." No words could accurately describe his hatred for the wolf. And yet here this boy was, acting like it was the best thing in the whole world. _What is he so happy about? _Inuyasha thought. _Why don't I just wipe that damn smile off his face? I mean, I'm no longer just in any ordinary competition to keep Kagome, I'm competing with family! This can't be true, it can't be!_

"Yep, it's true!" Kohanu said, as if he'd been reading his thoughts. "So, what's on our agenda for today?"

Inuyasha started for a moment, then looked down at him, baffled. "Our agenda? You mean, my agenda? Well, I'm going to go looking for the Jewel shards." As soon as that was out his mouth he knew what was coming next:

"Great! Can I come?"

Just as Inuyasha knew what Kohanu was going to say, he knew what his answer was going to be.

"No."

Upon hearing this, Kohanu immediately turned back into a dog. He flattened his ears against his head, tucked his tail between his legs, and opened his eyes as wide as saucers. He looked exactly like a puppy who had been scolded and was trying to beg for forgiveness. Inuyasha didn't cave. Kagome did.

"Come on," she said, trying to wheedle him into seeing a little common sense. "We could do with more fighting power, and a full demon would be perfect for the job." Not a good choice of words, for as soon as she closed her mouth, Inuyasha opened his and flew off the handle.

"What, are you calling me weak?"

"No, Inuyasha, it's just that-" She tried to explain but he cut her off.

"Cause I could beat Naraku any day!"

"No you can't cause you would've done it by now, but-"

"All Naraku is, is a coward! A weakling! A low down, trifflin'-"

"Inuyasha, sit!" Kagome gave her customary command to him and immediately he hit the ground face first. "Sorry, but it was the only way I could get your attention. No, you're not weak, but a little extra help wouldn't hurt, would it? And besides—"She pointed to the still dog-formed Kohanu—"How can you refuse that face?"

Inuyasha snorted. "Just like this," he said, and walked off. Kohanu transformed back into his normal self and followed close on his heels.

Inuyasha started to run, leaving Kagome behind, but Kohanu, being a full demon, not only kept up, but stayed a pace ahead of him. He tried to shake him by going through the trees, but Kohanu always managed to cut him off, all the while laughing as if they had spontaneously started playing a game. Inuyasha used every trick he knew (he even used the Wind Scar) to rid himself of the boy, all to no avail.

Finally, the chase ended back at the well, Inuyasha tired and accepting defeat, and Kohanu pumped and ready to play again. "Whoa, that was fun! Let's go again, cousin Inuyasha!

"Let's not and say that we did," he panted, heading for Kaede's village. "And don't call me cousin!" Kagome and Kohanu joined him at his side.

"And why not?" Kohanu asked. "We are cousins, so why can't I call you that?"

Inuyasha snapped, "Because I hate the fact that we're related! I don't care if you were my son, don't call me that!"

Kohanu gave him his by now famous smile and said, "If I were your son, I wouldn't call you cousin! No, that would be crazy! I'd call you dad! Or maybe father. Or even 'my old man' like you call your dad. But that sounds too old. But pops sounds just as old. Maybe you'd—"

"Like you to shut up!" Inuyasha screamed at him. Kohanu quieted quickly. Too quickly. It was obvious what had happened; Inuyasha had completely shut him down. A few moments of heavy silence enveloped them until Inuyasha spoke again. "Look, I'm sorry—"

Kohaunu's eyes brimmed with tears as he gave him a childish smile. "Really? So you mean I can call you cousin, or dad, or pops or—"

"No!" Inuyasha shouted, resulting in Kohanu being shut down again. "I mean, no," he said in a softer voice. With this, the boy began speaking every little thought that came to his mind.

"Hey, I'm hungry, aren't you guy's hungry? Boy, isn't the sun just a-shining out today! You know, there's a forty percent chance that an earthquake could hit us this very instant! My favorite color is green, what's yours? You know what I hate? Someone who talks and talks and talks and it seems like they'll never shut up and you're like "Please be quiet for just one minute", and they're all like "Nooo!" and you're all like "All I want is one minute" and they act like that's just too hard to give. Don't you just hate people who are like that?"

Kagome gave him a forced smile and spoke through clenched teeth. "Boy, don't I."

Inuyasha had decided to ignore his cousin. It seemed that that was the only way for both of them to be happy, but as for poor Kagome, she was being pummeled with question after question and it was obvious that her patience and politeness were wearing thin.

Finally, mercifully, the village came into view and in desperation for freedom, Kagome ran towards it. But if you run from a dog, it's going to chase you. As the two of them ran off, Inuyasha slowed his pace to almost baby steps, savoring the much needed silence. That is, until he heard a scream. It sounded like it came from Kaede's house. Inuyasha ran towards it and when he reached the doorway, he threw back the straw hanging. As soon as he saw the scene inside, he groaned in disgust.

Kohanu was backed into a corner of the room, screaming his head off, while an enlarged Kirara was swiping at him. Inuyasha could have sworn the scream belonged to either Sango or Kagome. It was pretty clear that his cousin was a punk.

He went inside and got Kirara off his back, then made the introductions. All too soon, everyone found out how annoying the boy could be. He asked Sango how come it looked like she had sideburns. He threw question after question at Miroku on how he could be a monk, yet constantly fondle other women (and how he knew this in a time period of only twenty seconds was beyond both of them). He asked Kaede why she looked like a past its prime prune, and he ate all of the lollipops Kagome had brought back for Shippou, claiming he needed to taste each one to make sure it wasn't dangerous. Yes, all in all, everyone hated him.

But none probably hated him more than Sesshomaru. He had come to the village to steal Inuyasha's sword, and instead ended up trying to dodge Kohanu, who was chasing him saying "Smell my finger!" Finally, he cornered him and stuck his finger under his nose. Sesshomaru gave a tiny sniff and fainted. Kohanu, who was confused, looked down at his hand. "Hm, guess he doesn't like cornbread."

By the end of the day, everyone had found some method of which to ignore Kohanu. Kagome's had started off the best but ended the worst. She had tried to tune him out with her mp3 player and had the volume all the way up. Unfortunately, since she had her favorite song on repeat, Kohanu ended up knowing and screaming the lyrics to the song. Sesshomaru finally awoke, but was so traumatized by Kohanu's finger that he simply sat at the base of the tree at which he fell at, rocking back and forth with a glazed expression on his face saying "Get it away from me...get it away from me..."

After about twenty times of singing the song, Kohanu's voice cracked and he went to unknowingly pester someone else. Target: Shippou. He quietly sat down next to him and watched while he drew with the crayons Kagome had given him. Then, suddenly, Kohanu pulled him into a headlock.

"What's up, nephew?" he said while choking the life out of Shippou. He jerked his head violently upward to get a better look at his face. Shippou's eyes had rolled to the back of his head and his tongue was hanging from his mouth. Kohanu shrugged, stood up, and threw the boy on the ground in boredom. He was about to head over to Sango, when Inuyasha luckily cut him off.

"Shippou's your nephew?"

Kohanu grinned and nodded over-enthusiastically. "Yep. You see, I have a younger brother who married one of his sisters."

Inuyasha quickly started figuring out the science. "If he's your nephew, then that means I'm his..."

"That's right! Also his uncle!" Kohanu said.

Inuyasha's face fell. "No, this can't be happening! I'm becoming family with everyone I can't stand! Next thing you're probably going to tell me is that I'm related to Naraku!"

Kohanu looked up at him in surprise. "Oh, how'd you know? That's my step brother!"

Inuyasha's scream could be heard reverberating all across Japan, past and present.


	2. What Comes Around, Goes Around

**What Comes Around, Goes Around**

"Inuyasha, do bugs sneeze?" Kohanu asked him.

"How the hell should I know? Do I look like I study bugs? Go find Myoga and ask him," Inuyasha snapped.

"I would, but I haven't seen him since that last battle you and Naraku had. I don't know why you two just can't set aside your differences and accept the fact that you're related." Inuyasha gave him a long, cold look, then went back to sharpening his sword.

It had been a month since Kohanu had come crashing (literally) into his life and ruined every belief he had had about his family. He could accept the fact that he was his cousin, but to find out that he was related to Kouga, Shippou, and Naraku too? That was just the icing on the cake.

Kohanu shrugged off Inuyasha's cold stare, then, actually trying to be of service to the group, went to go catch dinner since they had set up camp near the sea. Inuyasha watched him out the corner of his eye, surprised when he drew back the net and saw that it was full of something. Sighing in relief because he just knew his cousin was going to mess up somehow, Inuyasha headed over to the camp fire with the others. A moment later, Kohanu joined them, the net behind his back, hiding his catch.

Looking at Kagome, for she had become his favorite of the group, he said, "I have crabs."

She had been reading a book before, but now her eyes suddenly froze on the page, then slowly lifted to his. "You have crabs?"

He beamed at her. "Yep, and I worked hard to get them too!"

"Kohanu," Kogome said quietly, "Keep your crabs to yourself."

Kohanu's face fell. "But why? I didn't get crabs to keep them to myself. I wanna share them with everybody!"

"No!" Kagome screamed. "That's disgusting!"

"What?" Kohanu said. "All I said was that I have crabs." And with that, he pulled the net from behind his back. It was full of crabs.

"What'd you think he meant?" Miroku asked Kagome.

"Nothing," she muttered, and went back to her book.

~.~.~

Somewhere far, far away, or maybe it was really just a few miles, but I wouldn't know since I wasn't there, Sesshomaru sat at his kitchen table, also reading a book. "Three eggs, check. 1 1/2 tablespoons of vanilla extract, check. 2 pints of ice cream, check. Great! I have everything I need for my Baked Alaska!"

Suddenly, there was a knock on the kitchen door and a man with a headset walked in. "Lord Sesshomaru, five minutes till show time." Sesshomaru nodded and the man left.

He checked over his ingredients one more time to make sure he had everything when... "Where's my sugar! Kami, damn it! Who the hell used up all the damn sugar!" Quickly he started turning into his true demon form. His eyes turned red. The stripes on his face turned purple and swelled. His fangs grew longer, as did his claws.

"Jaken!" He barked. Immediately the toad or imp, it doesn't matter which one he is, scurried into the kitchen. Jaken tried to hit a U-turn when he saw Sesshomaru's state, but Sesshomaru grabbed him by his collar and held him up at eye level.

"Jaken, where the hell did the rest of the sugar go?" Sesshomaru hadn't brushed his teeth yet that day and had eaten a package of raw ground meat for breakfast. The smell assaulted Jaken's nose.

"Me Lord, your breath is doing Tae Kwon Do on my nostrils."

Sesshomaru raised his clawed hand in warning. Ordinarily, he would've killed him, then revived him with the Tensaiga the next time he needed him to do something he was too lazy to do himself. But time was running short and he needed answers. Jaken gulped when Sesshomaru cracked his knuckles and said in a hurried voice, "You used the rest of the sugar on that Better Than Sex Cake you made last week."

Sesshomaru considered this for a moment. _Yes, it was better than sex_, he thought, remembering the last girl he was in bed with, who had decided that she wasn't going to move for him no matter what, even when he had started rubbing her—

"You're dismissed, Jaken," Sesshomaru said and let him go. He must have been doing 500mph getting out of the kitchen. Sesshomaru sat back down at the kitchen table, but immediately got back up when he noticed one of the crew members in a distant corner was holding up ten fingers. But still he had no sugar. _Oh well, the show must go on_. Suddenly the commentator's voice came on over the loud speaker.

"It's once again that time of the week, folks! So get your spoons, bowls, and mouths ready for Cooking the Best with the Lord of the West! And now, put your hands together for the one, the only...Lord Sesshomaru!"

Sesshomaru waved at the camera. "Okay everybody, this week I'm going to show you how to make a Baked Alaska! Now, due to a sugar shortage, there's not going to be any sugar in the cake. But don't worry people! This is perfect for all of you diabetics out there! Okay, so you first want to grease your pan..."

~.~.~

"That'll be 50 yen," the merchant said.

Two days had passed since Kohanu got crabs. For dinner. Crabs for dinner. Get your minds out of the gutter! Anyway, the Inu gang had moved on from the sea and was on their way to find Naraku again, when they passed through a town that was having a large sale in the market. Of course they had to stop and have a look. Or rather, Kohanu had to stop and have a look.

"That'll be 50 yen," the merchant repeated.

"I ain'ts got it," Kohanu said in a flat tone.

"You don't have it," Sango corrected him.

Kohanu turned on her. "I said what I meant, don't you be correcting me."

Miroku came to her defense. "Kohanu, you sound illiterate when you speak like that. Sango was just trying to help you."

Kohanu looked doubtfully at him. "You must think you a prophecisor or something, using all them big words. You trying to do some kind voo-doo on me?"

"You mean am I a professor? No. And I'm not trying to do voo-doo, I'm just trying to help—"

""I ain'ts crazy!" Kohanu snapped at him. "Yous the one who needs some psycologinial help!"

"Psychological," Miroku muttered under his breath.

Inuyasha , who had had enough of Kohanu's stupidity, reached over and slapped him on the side of the head.

Kohanu shook his head, then said, "Thanks! I'm not stupid anymore, I don't think!"

_You're right, you don't think,_ Inuyasha thought.

"Sir, I have other customers to serve," the merchant said to Kohanu.

Kohanu reached into his pockets and withdrew a bubble gum wrapper, a nail filer, a whoopie cushion, and a napkin that said, "Lola, 245-9872" with a bright red lipstick mark on it. "I don't have any money," Kohanu told him.

"Then why the hell were you trying to buy something! I would've been happier if you'd have just stolen the damn thing rather than waste my time like this!"

"Okay," Kohanu shrugged and put the beanie baby deer that he'd been ogling at for the last hour in his pocket. The merchant sighed and simply waved him away, rubbing his temples and feeling the start of a migraine coming on.

Continuing on their way, everyone had to endure more of Kohanu's never ending chatter. Except this time it was with himself. "Ms. Deer, do you want some tea?" Then in a very girlish voice he giggled and said, "Yes, I would love some tea!" Without a second thought, Kohanu strode up to Kagome's back pack and started rooting through it.

"What are you doing?" She asked him incredulously.

"You got any tea in here?" he asked, still throwing things out.

"No, or else we would've been had tea with our meals. What do I look like, Wal-Mart?"

Kohanu kept digging for a moment, then poked his head out and said, "Who are we talking about?"

Kagome sighed in exasperation, pulled him out of the bag, and replaced everything, except the top to a thermos. "Here, give Ms. Deer—" She couldn't finish her sentence due to laughing so hard. "Ms. Deer! Kohanu, you're too old to be playing with toys and especially to be giving them names like 'Ms. Deer'! Sounds like one of the names I would've given one of my old dolls!"

"Oh, do you have any more dolls?" he asked her excitedly. Kagome's face fell, and she decided not to dignify the question with an answer.

Everyone fell into silence (even Kohanu, hallelujah!) that is until Kagura appeared almost out of nowhere. "You weren't trying to go fight Naraku again were you?" she asked Inuyasha. "Not after that last ass-whupping, I hope."

Inuyasha snorted under his breath, but didn't answer. Instead, Kohanu did. "Yeah, Inuyasha, are we going to go find Naraku again? He beat you so bad last time. Me and Ms. Deer want to see another one-sided fight!"

"It wasn't one-sided!" Inuyasha finally commented.

"No, but it sure was a beating!" Kohanu told him. I

nuyasha had no response to this.

Kagome hated seeing her hopeful future husband like this and said, " Naraku has nearly all of the Jewel shards and possession over Kohaku. We want the rest of the Shards and Sango's brother."

Kagura looked Kagome up and down, then said, "Who are you supposed to be? Saint Kagome?" When Kagome didn't answer, she chuckled to herself. Then she noticed something out the corner of her eye. Kohanu had been staring at her rather intently. "What the hell's wrong with you?" she demanded.

"You're so beautiful," he said, dreamily.

"Kohanu!" Inuyasha said. "That's your half sister!"

Kohanu snapped out of his daze and looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"Well, if Naraku is your half brother, and she was created from Naraku, that would make her your half sister or something, wouldn't it? Or maybe it'd be your second cousin. I don't know, but anyways, she's family."

Kohanu looked like he had lost his best friend. "You mean, there can never be a Kohanu and Kagura? It even has a nice ring to it!" He heavily sighed, then said to Kagura, "I have to let you go, my beautiful butterfly, but one day, when we're reincarnated, I'll come back for you, I promise!"

Kagura only rolled her eyes, and disappeared just as suddenly as she'd appeared.

"That was pointless," Sango said. The rest nodded assent.

"Hey, let's sing Christmas carols!" Kohanu suggested.

Surprisingly, everyone agreed, so in the middle of July, a group of teenagers and one kitsune were singing the Twelve Days of Christmas. Except that Kohanu kept changing the words.

"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me! A shard of the Shikon Jewel! On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me! Two Fang swords and a shard of the Shikon Jewel...!

~.~.~

"Acho!"

"Bless you, me Lord," Jaken automatically said.

"Shut up," Sesshomaru drawled at him. He sneezed again.

"Bless-"

"I thought I told you not to speak?" Sesshomaru cut him off. He'd been hearing "Bless you" for the past two days. He seemed to have fallen sick after his last cooking show and couldn't stop sneezing, among other things. He would have sent Jaken away, but he liked throwing his snotty tissues at him and seeing how mad he got, knowing that there was nothing he could do about it.

_Lord Sesshomaru's nothing more than a rich daddy's boy, _Jaken thought. _He knows nothing of real work! He's never cleaned a toilet, or an oven, or, for heaven's sake, his own bedroom! _Jaken tried to push away the memory of the first time he cleaned Sesshomaru's bedroom, but the pictures came to him anyways.

He'd been told to scrub the room from top to bottom. He'd started with his bed. He straightened out the covers, then went to the side of the bed to tidy up the stack of magazines on the floor. That should have been his first indication that those weren't normal magazines. Still he over-looked this until he saw the women on the covers. Needless to say, it took Jaken three hours to clean Sesshomaru's room, rather than his estimated thirty minutes due to having passed out…probably from a nosebleed as anime characters are wont to do.

Sesshomaru got up off the couch that he'd been occupying since he'd gotten sick. He went out the front door, through the gates of the palace, and on toward…well he didn't know where he was going, he just knew that he couldn't stand being in the palace anymore. Jaken ran after him, all the while telling him that he needed to get back inside. He received a slash from Toukijin, then revived him right afterwards. He loved doing that just for the hell of it.

_I follow my nose, where ever it goes, to the scent of a mutt, 'cause his scent blows, _Sesshomaru thought dryly to himself. _That was stupid. _He sneezed again, this time turning toward Jaken, snot covering the imp.

"Lord, Sesshomaru! Didn't anyone teach you to cover your nose?!"

"No," Sesshomaru told him, and was actually serious about it. "But you shouldn't worry about it. It blends in with you so well, no one will notice it. I command you to leave it there, or else I'll kill you and I won't bring you back." Sesshomaru was smirking, but Jaken knew better than to consider this as a sign that he was playing, and lowered the hand that he had risen to wipe away the snot. A moment later, he too sneezed.

"Me Lord, I believe that you've given me what you have."

"I don't like your tone, " Sesshomaru responded.

Jaken looked at him, confused. "I simply was stating a fact, me Lord," he said.

Sesshomaru glared at him. "I still think that you're getting a tone with me. Lower it." Jaken mumbled something under his breath. "Say it to my face or shut up," Sesshomaru growled.

"Fine!" Jaken could no longer take his cruel treatment. "You treat me like the scum of the earth, day in and day out! I don't get paid for my work and you never say thank you! Not once! And why won't you look at me anymore when we make love?"

This last one made Sesshomaru pull out Toukijin again and kill Jaken. Permanently. "I told him that what happened that night was never to be spoken of again. I just had too much sake, that's all. Not like I did it while I was sober," Sesshomaru tried to reassure himself.

Presently, well more like five hours later, he came across Inuyasha and the others. "So, we meet again," Sesshomaru said to him.

"So it seems," Inuyasha responded, then looked at him quizzically. "Wait, what the hell are we supposed to be? Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader? And who the hell are they?"

"Dosen't matter," the other brother said. "You'll be dead all too soon." Sesshomaru ran towards him, and Inuyasha pulled out his sword, ready to strike, when he suddenly felt flecks of something wet hit his face. Snot.

"What?! Did you _sneeze _on me?!"

Sesshomaru gave a maniacal laugh. "Yes, I did! Now you shall die a slow and painful death!"

Inuyasha raised an eyebrow at him. "Die from the common cold? Sesshomaru, you've hit an all-time low."

Sesshomaru's shoulders sagged. "Yeah, I know, but I figured if I'm going to be sick, I might as well take a few others with me."

Inuyasha met his gaze with understanding. Their first brotherly moment. Of course it didn't last long. Inuyasha doubled over wheezing and Sesshomaru gave such a powerful sneeze, that it knocked him unconscious. The other's started backing away from them, trying to be spared the disease. However, thanks to Kohanu, who had ran over to Sesshomaru thinking that he needed CPR and then ran around on-purposely coughing and sneezing on everyone, they all ended up back at the Western palace, sick on the couches.

By this point, everyone had begun to contemplate on killing Kohanu. Life would just be so much better without him. Of course they'd have to do him in before he did them in with one of his crazy antics. Now, just the perfect way to do it...


	3. Killing Perfection

**Killing Perfection**

Two weeks had went by since everyone had gotten sick and retired to Sesshomaru's castle. They left only three days after coming, which was a relief to Sesshomaru. He didn't want them to see his new occupation.

The chef thing was great while it lasted, but he decided to try his hand at a more creative hobby: interior decorating. He stood in his room, silently criticizing the plain beige wallpaper with the stark white sheets and dark mahogany dresser. _Yes, this definitely could use some Sesshomaru magic. _Four hours later, he re-examined his work. The walls were now lavender, with tie-dye bedding, and a blue dresser that he'd gotten at a yard sale. The room was ugly as hell, but he thought it was as beautiful as the Mona Lisa.

"Now, time to do Rin's room." He headed across the hall to the little girls' room. It had been decorated with light blue walls, and also white bedding with a matching dresser. _Booooring_, Sesshomaru thought. Needless to say, every bedroom in the castle was redecorated. None of the rooms matched. How he had managed to get a show, and receive good reviews, was beyond anyone. He hurried downstairs to see a re-run of one of his episodes.

"We are at the house of Naraku and Kikyo. They've asked me to redecorate their house and garage. Come on and let's go see what's in store for us!" The Sesshomaru in the TV went up to a large suburban house that was behind him and knocked. The Sesshomaru that now occupied the couch sat on the edge of his seat. This was his favorite episode, and he was eager to see what his work looked like now that he was home.

At the end of the show, they showed a before and after. The after was hideous. Anyone watching would've known that he'd fucked the couple over, but he himself refused to acknowledge this fact. "So beautiful," he sniffed, wiping away a tear, looking at their now orange, brown, yellow and pink bedroom. He got off the couch to head to his sewing room, another pastime hobby, when something on the screen got his attention. The background was black, but in white letters he read:

"The couple was really unhappy with the service that they received, despite the smiles they showed on the show. Anyone who couldn't tell that they were fake needs serious counseling and we will be happy to provide it. They have switched over to a new interior decorating company, Kohanu Corporation, and are now happy with their newly decorated house, mostly because it matches. The couple, as of the rest of Japan, and even the reviewers who only gave it a good review to spare their lives, have but one question: What the hell was Sesshomaru thinking? This was a public service announcement brought to you by Kohanu Corp: "If it isn't Kohanu's, then it's sh—!"

To drown out his sadness at the news, Sesshomaru went to his refrigerator and ate a whole gallon of ice cream, then finished off the last seven brownies from a batch of twelve. After he was done, he sat back and sighed contentedly. "Ah, nothing helps you to forget pain like food."

~.~.~

Kohanu sat behind his desk, counting his money. "One million one, one million two, one million thr-" The door opened quickly and in came a roach demon. She stood seven feet tall. Her kind was really only three feet high, but at the tender age of 900—roaches have been around for millennia, who's to say how long a roach demon lives?— she fell into a puddle of radioactive waste and was mutated into an extremely large freak of nature with a piece of sheet metal running through her head. She refused to have it removed, saying it made her "distinguished."

"Sir, your accountant is here."

Kohanu closed his eyes slowly, then gave an exasperated sigh. "Janice, how many times have I told you not to interrupt me during my private reflection time? Counting dough is hard work, something you wouldn't know about since you're content that your pay is the right to dig through my trash can."

Janice stood up straight in pride. It was true; when offered the job, she refused any sum of money simply for the chance to eat the leftovers of his lunch.

"Come closer, Janice," Kohanu told her. She took a small step toward him. "Closer." She took a few more steps toward him. "Quit being a bitch and come here!" Janice walked until she was right in front of him. Kohanu reached into one of his drawer and pulled out a spray can.

Janice's eyes widened in fear. "Please, sir! Not the Orkin spray! Anything but that!" Kohanu sprayed her anyways. Janice rolled on the floor, thrashing for a while until she came to a complete halt on her back, legs drawn up in the sign of death.

"I should've done that when I had the suspicion that she was having an affair with the janitor grub demon." He pressed a button on his desk and waited to hear a female voice on the other side. "Yes?"

"I need Jonathan to come to my office for a "pick up" and for you to get to work on finding me another secretary."

"Oh, sir, not another one! That's the sixth today!" Kohanu decided not to answer this, but got up from his desk and left his office. He went to the front main office where he saw his receptionist, whom he'd just got done talking to, and walked directly up to her. She didn't see him coming, which was just as well, for Kohanu quickly grabbed her shoulder and head and twisted it, breaking her neck. He put a note beside her body saying "Jonathan was here." _Three birds with three stones, _he thought. _I'm such a silent assassin._

He whistled cheerily as he strode back to his office to continue counting his money, pleased to see that the "pick up" had been completed.

~.~.~

"One, two, three, four! I declare a thumb war!" Inuyasha and Shippou said together. Beside them was a small dry erase board with their names on it. Under Shippou's was a row of tallies. Inuyasha's had none. _How the hell is he beating me? I'm older than he is; he's just a kid!_ Inuyasha let out a howl of pain as Shippou pinned his thumb under his.

"That's the twentieth time! Inuyasha, you really need to work on this. It's not all about brawns, but brains too." In his rage, Inuyasha picked up Shippou and threw him into the wall. He got up and went crying over to Kagome, who told Inuyasha to sit.

"Stop your crying! You weren't acting all weak just a moment ago when you were bragging about winning!" Shippou immediately stopped his dry cry and stuck his tongue out at Inuyasha. Inuyasha went for him again, but was told to sit before he reached the fox demon.

At the same time, in Kagome's living room where all this had been taking place, Miroku, Sango, and Souta had been playing Twister.

"Left foot green," Kagome's mom said.

There were only two green circles left. Souta got one. Miroku and Sango fought for the other. Sango bit Miroku's hand, trying to distract him. It didn't work, and a moment later, Sango felt a sharp stab of pain as Miroku punched her in her right eye. "Woman beater!" she shrieked at him.

In anger, she kneed him in the crotch and he crumbled to the mat, immediate disqualification. Gladly, Sango started moving her left foot to green, when Miroku tackled her, refusing to be beaten by a girl. They wrestled on the ground for a while, everyone stopping what they were doing just to watch, nobody trying to interfere. In fact, they were giving shouts of encouragement!

"Come on Sango, show him what a woman's made of!" Kagome's mom said.

"Cut off her hair!" Shippou screamed.

"You can do it!" Inuyasha yelled, not talking to anyone in particular.

"Bite her nose!" Kagome offered.

Sango stopped for a moment to glare at her. "Whose side are you on!" But during her brief pause, Miroku had taken the liberty of releasing the beads on his hand to let out his wind tunnel. Sango desperately grabbed on to the couch for support, but to no avail. Her last words were, "I'll get you next time, lecherous monk! You'll pay for this!"

Miroku quickly covered his hand before anyone else was sucked in. A moment of silence followed. Then: "Well, that was interesting," Grandpa said, and went outside to sweep the steps. Everyone else mumbled words of the same degree and left the house to attend to their business, as if nothing happened.

~.~.~

Sesshomaru sat on the futon in his living room, watching the geisha as they danced. Jaken sat about twenty feet from him, but hadn't spoken a word to him since his resurrection. He'd decided that if he needed to communicate with Sesshomaru, he'd use sign language. He noticed that his lips were moving slightly, as if he were saying something to himself. He was also watching the geisha a little too intensely. Jaken got up and faked like he had to use the bathroom, and risked his life by passing close to Sesshomaru. When he listened closely to him, he found out that he was singing "I'm in Love with a Stripper" except he'd changed "stripper" to geisha.

_Sick bastard_, Jaken thought. Immediately, he felt a clawed hand on his throat.

"I heard that," Sesshomaru said.

_How the hell did he hear me_? Jaken continued thinking.

"I heard it because I'm telepathic. I got it from my great great great great grandmother's best friend's cousin, twice removed." He offered no explanation for this. "Jaken, I want to be able to trust you again. Which is why I've made a clone of you!"

At these words, the living room door opened and another Jaken walked in to join the two (only two because the geisha had snuck out the door, without even waiting to be paid. They were tired of Sesshomaru staring at them as if they were some kind of delicacy).The other Jaken went and stood right next to the first Jaken, making it almost impossible to tell who was who.

"Jaken, this is Ja," Sesshomaru introduced the two.

Jaken grew pale. "Me lord-" He remembered that he had promised himself that he wouldn't speak to him, and instead signed, "Me lord, how come you never gave me a rapper's name?"

Sesshomaru didn't know sign language, but tried to signal back anyways. Amazingly, he did spell something: "fuck you."

"Ja was created from your...well, for lack of a better way to put it, your better half. I took your good DNA and created...a masterpiece!"

"Kind of like what you think of your miss-matched bedrooms," Jaken muttered under his breath. But Sesshomaru didn't hear this as he was listening to Ja.

"Lord Sesshomaru, you're so wise! Your intelligence is only surpassed by the Gods! And your skin is as smooth as a pineapple! And did I mention that your skills as an interior designer are those of perfection!"

"I can't believe you even fixed your mouth to say that!" Jaken cut in. "Have you taken a good look at this place? The walls are pink, the furniture is yellow, the carpet is orange, and the TV is green. Does this look like perfection? And this is just the living room!" He heard what sounded like a muffled sob, and turned to look at Sesshomaru. His lower lip was trembling, and then he covered his face and ran out of the room. His footsteps could be heard as he ran up the stairs and into his bedroom.

"Dear Diary," Sesshomaru began. "Today was the worst day of my life! Jaken criticized my designing skills, and after I just got done bringing him back to life, too! I give him a second chance and what does he do? He takes my kindness for a weakness. I hate him, hate him, hate him!" Sesshomaru opened his night stand drawer and pulled out a Hershey's bar, a Debbie cake, five chocolate chip cookies wrapped in foil, and a bag of Lays. All of this was gone within moments. Then he ran to his bathroom and stuck his finger down his throat. A moment later, he emerged with a satisfied smile on his face. "Ah, nothing works better for stress than bulimia."

~.~.~

Kohanu's accountant walked right into his office without knocking. _Looks like I'm gonna have to make out another "package" to Johnathan_, he thought. His accountant was a short man, only coming up to Kohanu's shoulders. His hair was just about gone from his head, but several white hairs could be seen coming out his nose and ears. "Kohanu, I've finally balanced your account, and it seems like you're twenty-thousand yen in the hole."

Kohanu didn't respond, but kept on counting his money. The accountant pulled out a folder and showed it to him. Kohanu didn't look up from his money. "You're behind on some payments to Lord Sesshomaru."At the mention of his name, Kohanu threw down his money and glared at the man.

"Mr. Tinkles, I believe that your calculations are wrong. Sesshomaru is twenty grand in debt to _me_. I won a bet that resulted in him selling his TV show to me along with twenty thousand yen. Life's become a bitch for him."

Mr. Tinkles had started sweating. "What's wrong with you?" Kohanu asked. "You look like you've just got caught stealing. Wait, I know why you're sweating like that! You're laundering money from me! Well, on that note—"

Kohanu stood up and went around the side of the desk and stood right in front of the short man. He raised his hand above his head and the man screeched like a woman. He did it again and got the same reaction. Finally he'd had enough. Reaching back as far as his hand would go, he slapped Mr. Tinkles with as much force as he could. The man fell back and hit his head on the filing cabinet, killing him.

Kohanu whistled to himself as he dug in a drawer and pulled out a body bag. He placed Mr. Tinkles in it, then pressed a button on his desk and paged the front office, where he reached his new receptionist. "Mrs. Leah, would you send Jonathan to my office? He has another pick-up." Satisfied, he walked out of the office and headed toward the parking lot. He had a visit to pay to Mr. Sesshomaru.

~.~.~

Inuyasha and the others had crossed back to feudal Japan after spending a week at Kagome's. "Boy, that was fun!" Shippou said, holding a Nintendo DS.

"You really should've left that there," Kagome told him.

"Pssht, please! Why would I leave the world's greatest portable electronic invention for entertainment back in your time?"

"Because, have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? Going backwards or forwards in time and changing just the littlest thing could cause history to alter."

"And that's bad...why?" Shippou asked her.

She sighed. "Because, if history is altered, there may not be Nintendo DS's in that future. Or ramen." At this statement, Inuyasha grabbed the DS from Shippou and threw it on the ground, breaking it.

"Damn it, Inuyasha! I was still on the first stage! Couldn't you have waited at least till I got to level two?" Everyone stared at Shippou. When did he start cursing?

Kagome spoke up first. "Oh, hell no! Mmn-mmn, you won't be speaking like that in in a deep voice, rolling her head and snapping her fingers presence!" She said in a deep voice, rolling her head and snapping her fingers. She grabbed him by his tail and hung him upside down. She reached into her bag for a bar of soap, then shoved it into his mouth. He'd started crying but the more sounds he made, the more bubbles were created. Unfortunately, Shippou didn't figure this out until the last moment, when he began to gag. No one paid him any attention, since they figured he was simply faking in order to have the soap removed. He died looking like a rabid dog.

"What are we going to do with the body?" Miroku asked.

No one answered for a moment. Then Inuyasha said, "Let's eat him!"

"Yeah, that's a great idea!" Kagome said. Miroku gathered the wood, Kagome started the fire, and Inuyasha, using some BBQ sauce Kagome had brought, broiled Shippou.

"I want a leg!" Kagome claimed.

"I'll take the feet and paws," Miroku said.

"I want his head," Inuyasha stated. Everyone stopped to stare at him. "What?" Everyone kept staring. "What!? Oh, you can't say that the head wouldn't be the juiciest part on him! I mean, the brains will be frying too, so they'll be nice and tender, and melt in my mouth, not in my hands, and his eyeballs will kind of be like dumplings, and as for his ears—"

"Inuyasha, that's sick!" Both Miroku and Kagome said.

"I'm not hungry anymore," she said, pushing away her portion of Shippou and standing to leave. Miroku did the same.

"Guys, wait, come back!" Inuyasha received no answer. "Fine, I'll eat him by myself." He was about to reach for the charred body, when a gust of wind blinded him. Kouga. His newly appointed cousin. His arch nemesis.

"Hey there, mutt face," he sneered. Inuyasha tried to ignore him and go back to eating Shippou, but Kouga snagged up the boy, and shoved him in his mouth, fur and all.

Inuyasha stared at him incredulously. "Your mouth opens a little wider than it should, and a little too quickly. What have you been doing?" Kouga didn't get it. "Do you like being on your knees a lot?" Inuyasha attempted to help him out. Still, a puzzled look remained on Kouga's face. Finally, Inuyasha sighed. "I can't believe you ate even Shippou's _head_." The joke snapped through Kouga's mind quickly.

"I always knew you'd amount to nothing more than a mangy mongrel. Tell me Inuyasha, what do you do for a living?"

"Well, if you must know Kouga, I'm into pharmaceuticals. I got my license yesterday." Kouga blanched at this. "So, what do you do, Kouga?" Inuyasha asked coolly.

"Um…you know... a little bit of this...a little bit of that...just the normal." Really, Kouga couldn't find any work better than being a taste tester at a prune factory. Let's just say he didn't work many days.

"Oh, that's nice," Inuyasha replied almost sarcastically. Kouga hadn't heard him. He was over by Kagome, flirting. Inuyasha pulled out Tetsusaiga and used the Wind Scar on him. Unfortunately, Kouga moved, leaving Kagome exposed to the attack. Another one bit the dust.

"Aaaaahhhhhh!" Inuyasha screamed, looking at Kagome's now disfigured body. Her entire left side was missing.

"She kind of looks like a Picaso painting," Miroku said, looking at her with his head tilted as if he were trying to see her in different angles. Kouga had retreated back to whence he came, leaving the damage on Inuyasha's hands and not even bothering to chew him out for killing Kagome. He had left her to die, he had no room to talk.

Inuyasha eyed her mournfully for a moment, then said to Miroku, "Still hungry?"

~.~.~

"Please, cousin Kohanu, have some more sake," Sesshomaru offered him in a sticky-sweet voice.

Kohanu had come to the palace to collect the twenty-thousand owed to him from the bet. Sesshomaru wouldn't have had to deal with him just yet, but Ja had answered the door. Now, here they were, sitting in his gothic black den, eating scones and drinking tea and sake. Sesshomaru's plan was to get his cousin drunk, then talk him into signing some kind of statement saying that he owed him money, and not the other way around. What no one knew was that the Lord of the West was broke. He'd spent all of his money on E-bay just to get the real light saber that Luke Skywalker had used.

He poured more sake into Kohanu's cup and watched with a very pleased smile on his face as he drank it. Kohanu wasn't one who was good with liquor and after only one and a half cups, he was just about drunk. Sesshomaru's precious loyal servant topped it off.

Kohanu had yet to see Ja, so when the imp/toad strolled into the dark room, he wasn't expecting to see Jaken walk right in afterward. He figured he was drunk and seeing two. "Holy sh-"

"Don't curse," Sesshomaru told him. Rin was right next door in the living room, watching the Matrix, but was really drooling over Agent Smith. Ew.

Kohanu stared at the two little green demons. Ja said, "Can I get you anything? Some tea, a soda, another cup of sake?"

Sesshomaru didn't give him time to decide. He grabbed the bottle with the sake in it, and forced it into his mouth. "Drink, bitch, drink!" He screamed, forgetting that Rin could hear him. He held it to Kohanu's lips until the bottle was dry. Now he was thoroughly drunk.

"Did..did I ever tell you how...how you look like a whore?" Kohanu slurred. Sesshomaru ignored this and got out a folded piece of paper stating that all money and assets he owned now belonged to him. He handed him a pen and told him to sign. "What's this, a will or a want?"

_I guess he's not as drunk as I thought he was,_ Sesshomaru thought. He grabbed another bottle of sake and forced it down his throat, then he held the paper in front of him again. Kohanu leaned forward to sign it, but fell over face first on the glass coffee table. A noise from the doorway got Sesshomaru's attention. Miroku and Inuyasha were standing there, bearing witness to Kohanu's murder/suicide.

"Hurry up, revive him!" Miroku said.

"No, I don't think I will," Sesshomaru said slowly. He walked over to Kohanu's body and rolled it over. _About time that nuisance died. Now, what to do with the body... _He looked over at Inuyasha and Miroku. "Baked or stir-fried?"

Epilogue

Miroku went on to own his own club called the Lecherous Monk. Unfortunately since Naraku was still alive at this time, he still had his wind tunnel. Every time he started feeling on a woman, the beads came undone and sucked her in. All of the lawsuits almost caused him to go out of business.

Inuyasha finally defeated Naraku, and obtained the full Shikon Jewel, only for it to crumble into dust the moment he touched it. Two years down the drain.

Sesshomaru gave up being an interior designer, finally realizing that the reason so many people were criticizing what he thought beautiful, was because he was color blind. In fact, all dog demons are color blind, inheriting it from their animal counter-part, dogs. He went on to become a talk show host, naming the show simply after his name, Sesshomaru, which was like a cross between Oprah and Jerry Springer. He has a whole new swing of confidence and is now living large and laughing easy. He had no need to run the Western Lands anymore. He gave it over to Inuyasha, but he was killed immediately. People weren't quite keen on having a half-breed in power.

In the end, Rin inherited the entirety of the Western lands.


End file.
